The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize