At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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