Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
