I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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