And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
