So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
