I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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