apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
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Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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