Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
a search helicopter?!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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