you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
