I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
