The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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