Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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