I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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