Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
