no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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