I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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