my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
