Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
