How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
