i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
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Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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