What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
