There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
