My friends, they love my intelligence
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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