I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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