if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
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I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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