Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
