There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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