just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
