I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have aggressive nipples.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
