i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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