its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
