I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
