During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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