I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
