When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
