I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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