don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
