Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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