i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
