he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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