So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
