everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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