Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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