Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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