Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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