his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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