My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
