if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
