i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
