Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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