halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
