while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize