i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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