so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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